How does one handle a situation where a couple or single is showing interest in playing with you, but for whatever reasons, there is no attraction or chemistry. You like them socially, but not as prospective play partners.
This situation probably happens a lot, and we are never quite prepared for it.
I will state the obvious before I even get started … you know what the answer is. Not everyone is attracted to everyone else. Getting two people together can be tuff enough but add more, and wow, things can get sticky. Here are a few e-mails I received that will give you some insight into different situations and ways to handle them. There are no easy answers but follow your instincts, use common sense and be sensitive.
Here are some E-mails I have received:
“If someone contacts you and you aren't interested is it best to "not reply at all" or simply reply "thanks, sorry, but no thanks". I feel rude not replying at all but at the same time I feel bad saying "thanks but no thanks". I don't want to hurt people's feelings.”
I strongly feel that if someone took the time to reach out to you, and by doing so is extending to you a gracious compliment, they deserve at least the respect of an answer.
We are all big boys and girls here and the best thing to do is to be direct without having to go into details. There will always be the inevitable battle with rejections- both giving and receiving them. If someone e-mails you and they just aren’t your type, there is a simple way to let them know that you aren’t interested. Be sweet, be short and be to the point.
I suggest using something as simple as, "Thank you very much for your nice email, but at this time we do not think that we would make a very good match."
Or .. “Thanks for your interest in our profile! Although we do not feel that we are a sexual match, we wish you the best of luck in finding what you seek. Happy swinging!”
Or .. If you’re open to pursuing friendships with others with whom you don’t necessarily seek a physical attraction, here’s a similar response you can send:
“Thanks for your interest in us! Although we don’t feel that we are a match, we'd still love to chat with you, since making friends is one of our main goals here. If a friendship with benefits is what you're exclusively seeking, we certainly won't take it personally if you don't wish to pursue us any longer. Either way, we hope all of your dreams and fantasies come true!”
This not only gives them the chance to take the rejection with their dignity intact, but it also proves you to be a classy person by responding to their e-mail despite your disinterest, and doing so in a classy manner. You do not need to provide reasons for your disinterest. That is your business, not theirs.
If they respond with a why? Simply say, "Please respect our decision"
THAT IS IT... no explanations are required! If they write continue asking for the reason, you can either choose to ignore it, block them or politely inform them that the reasons do not matter, only that you aren’t a match as you said in your initial correspondence. Do not drag things out.
Now that we have seen their picture:
“We are new to this lifestyle. We have never attended a party but enjoy being on AFF to meet couples. We have chatted and even met with a few couples, and have had some great times. The other side is we have also chatted with a few couples who were not comfortable sending face pictures right away. That was fine with us so we chatted until they were ready to send face pictures. My husband and I enjoyed the chatting we did with them, but after seeing their pictures realized that there was no physical attraction. We don't want to be shallow, and say it is all about looks, but we both feel that we need to be physically, and personality compatible with other couples in order for things to progress. How do we respectfully deal with this? Also how do we respond to e-mails from couples that are interested in us, but we do not feel the same? I know that I/we sound picky, but we are sharing a very private part of our sexual lives with others and need to feel comfortable. I/we don't want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”
The way that I have suggested handling a situation where people are hesitant to send pictures is to just tell them that this is all about attraction and chemistry... and if there is no attraction... the chemistry does not matter at all. If you continue to have conversations and communications with couples whose pictures you do not see... you are going to fall into the same position time after time.
The people you have already started these conversations with and you do enjoy but now find they are not physically attractive then you need to say so. We are all big boys & girls here... although no one wants to hurt anyone else’s feelings... we do not mercy fuck. You should never have to apologize for being picky. The only one you are accountable to is your partner.
Just be frank and to the point... tell them in an email that you enjoyed the communications that you have had, but as far as anything physical is concerned... you do not think that you guys make a very good match. It may seem weird at first.. but when you realize they are not going to fold up in each others arms and cry for the next 3 weeks because you are not attracted to them.... it will be ok. Life goes on.
Friends but not playmates:
“We are a couple that enjoys both the social aspect and the sexual side of the lifestyle. However, we are much choosier about who we sleep with then who we befriend. We have been finding ourselves in situations where we are socializing, having fun and flirting with people we wouldn't necessarily consider bedmates. We are still having a lot of fun, we enjoy their company and would consider becoming close friends with them. The couples we want to be friends with, but not sleep with then become offended when we tell them that they are not our type of sexual partners, but we would love to maintain a friendship with them. Sounds cheesy to the recipient, but true none the less.
I can understand that from their point of view, if they're not looking for friends, they may feel that they have just wasted an evening with a couple that didn't even want to sleep with them. Should we only talk to the people we want to play with or risk leading people on and hang out with the ones that we connect better with on a social level.
How do you not lead people on while still having fun? We don't want to give up bar meets and other social outlets with the social groups because we enjoy them immensely, but if it means holding back and not having fun the way WE have fun (flirting, dirty dancing), I guess we'd rather stay home!”
By all means...continue to be yourselves.
Unfortunately, not everyone handles rejection gracefully and this can put you in an uncomfortable position from time to time.
There is no reason to avoid people you have no desire to play with ...unless they are being rude or unkind to you after figuring out that you are not interested in "joining" them.
Sometimes people can't take the advance "hints" and you have to speak frankly to them. It is never pleasant to have to do this...but at least they will understand that you were being honest. Once they get over the rejection...many times they appreciate your openness, still have a blast hanging out with you....and just can't resist being your friends.
“My husband and I have been in this lifestyle for almost 5 years. We are very selective in whom we play with, but lately my husband has asking me to lower my standards in regards to other couples. He wants to start hanging out with certain couples and party more, even though I am not interested in them physically. Don't get me wrong, they are nice people and we get along well, but I am just not physically attracted to either one or both of the couple and I know for a fact they are VERY interested in us physically.
My question is this... how do you let someone know without offending them, that you are only interested in being friends and nothing more? I am just at odds at this question, because it almost makes me sound snooty just asking and I am not that way. I just believe that in this lifestyle it is a chemistry thing and if it isn't there .. it isn't there!
Besides which, why should I lower my standards... I have an absolutely gorgeous husband..why should I settle for someone less than his standard?? Am I wrong for thinking that way??? Would I be considered a B#$% because I refuse to play with a couple where I don't find the man attractive?? “
You are 100% right in how you feel. There is nothing worse than the thought of being with someone sexually that you are not attracted to. Who wants to go slummin’? Being selective is not a sin... and everyone has their own opinion as to what is attractive, It is a relative term at best. You are entitled to yours.
As far as how your husband is feeling... you need to make sure that he is fully understanding about your position and you need to ask him to respect your wishes and NOT to put any pressure on you at all. You need to tell your hubby that you feel like you are being pressured into lowering you standards. Make sure he understands fully... that way you can eliminate the situation from coming up in a more inappropriate time. Discuss it BEFORE it comes up, or it will, and you will feel more pressure at the time
The old saying goes... "Women need a reason and men just need a place."
If anyone considers you a B#$% because you won't play with someone you are not attracted to.... then who cares... those kinds of judgments and the people who make them should not concern you.
We have so many great friends in the Lifestyle that we have never played with... and never will... if someone takes it personally... then they don't get it.
Keep your head high and do not settle... you will be mad at yourself if you do !!!
Final thought: How to tell the couples you are not interested in playing. The best way is to be direct. Tell them that you value your friendship and you want to remain friends and think that once you cross the line and play... you are afraid it would change things... and you just don't want to go there. Tell them you do not want to lead them on... and that is why you are being up front. If all they wanted is sex... and they were not interested in friendships, then they should let you know too.
We are attracted to her not him:
“My husband and I both love playing and being a part of the lifestyle, but to be honest, the women that we're interested usually do not have male halves that my wife is interested in, or she has no interest in having sex with. She likes to be with women, and watch him with other women, but she generally does not like to be with other men. This has presented a problem once before, and we'd like to avoid such future problems.
How do we tell people we're interested in meeting that he can full swap, but she probably won't?”
I can definitely understand your wife's dilemma since I've been there a few times myself. You may encounter questions from the couple if you tell them you can full swap, but she won't..... Why is this? Jealousy? Greed? Insecurity? These are the questions this scenario will produce. They won't automatically assume that your wife just isn't digging the other man. Most couples will not go for this. Most adhere to the 'fair play all around' rule. If you get to do it to my wife, I get to do it to yours, and vice versa. Fair's fair.
That being said, I recommend that you don't inform them that you're up for swapping, but your wife isn't. Instead of telling them that, keep it at girl-girl play, and let them know that's as far as it goes. Although I know that this is difficult for some, honesty is still the best policy. Or, just tell a little white lie, and inform them that your wife is a lot more into women, and rarely likes to play with other men (that one has worked for some of out friends, and tends to spare feelings)
Not digging their friends:
“We have met a couple that we love to play with, but we are not attracted to their other favorite play couple. They now would like to try an orgy type party, with that couple included, and we are panicking.
What could we say that would not hurt their feelings or make them want to stop playing with us?”
This is always the best policy; tell them the truth. This probably isn't the answer you were hoping to hear, but the lifestyle is all about honesty and communication. It is certainly not based on feeling uncomfortable or panicky. So, just let them know, casually, that you don't feel an attraction to this other couple. Hell, if you have to, stroke your friends' egos a bit by saying something like, "We're so damn spoiled with you two that we just don't find anyone else appealing right now". Granted, you may want to find your own method of relaying the aforementioned to them, but I'm sure you grasp my point. You can even tell them that the orgy scene if presently out of your comfort range. That way, you aren't discernibly rejecting their friends.
By no means should you wallow in silence while feeling trapped. Speak your mind in a diplomatic manner. If it still happens to hurt their feelings, it's certainly not your fault. Rest assured, you will be making the prudent decision in being honest, rather than putting your comfort at risk.
Played once not interested in a second helping:
“We recently had an experience with a couple we played with, and for now, we prefer not to play with again sexually. They did nothing "wrong" we simply discovered after playing that we did not feel as "connected" with them as we initially thought we did.
What makes this a little more difficult is that through other friends, we will be seeing them off and on. They attend AFF functions and parties and so do we. We do enjoy them in a social situation.
Although it's difficult, we've learned how to tell people "no thanks" when we are contacted through email, or even after meeting in person ... but AFTER playing with them once?? ... It seems impossible to say "no more of that", without hurting their feelings.
Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.”
This is tuff. Once you cross the line of sexual play relationships change even in the lifestyle. However and I say it yet again, we are all big boys and girls here and although no one is interested in hurting anyone else’s feelings.. you can not let that fear guide your actions or you will end up missing parties.
This really may not be an issue. People are more perceptive than you can imagine. If we are not interested in "going there" again with a couple they can usually tell. If we were interested we would be paying much more attention to them, getting in touch with them again and asking for another play date.
Now if they were to approach you directly and ask you if something was wrong, or if they are trying to contact you and you are avoiding them, then you must say something.
Just like you say that you learned how to tell people "no thanks" and we are sure it was awkward at first ... the same goes here. We are all looking for different things; play in different ways and like more variety. Again be honest but kind.
Once you learn that we are all adults and we understand that we cannot be everything to everyone, it will be just as easy to say to another couple … "We enjoyed ourselves and had lots of fun with you guys.. but we prefer for our relationship to be a friendship and not a physical relationship.
If you are really freaked... send them an email to that effect.
Do not want to share pictures:
“We have a website containing personal photographs which are password protected, and put a note in our profile to contact us for the password. A couple recently contacted us for the password. Unfortunately, the male is bi-sexual and since there is no chance that we would meet them we do not wish to give them the password. We want to keep our site restricted to those we want to actually meet. How can we tell them this nicely, without hurting their feelings?”
I always try to remind people that we are all big boys and girls here. Where did you hear that before? While it is very noble to wish to consider the feelings of people who you may never see again, it is best to just be upfront and honest in a direct manner and you are not required to go into details.
In this case I would suggest a reply as such: "Thank you so much for your interest but after reading a bit about you (or viewing your profile on a site such as this) we appreciate your interest but we do not think that we would make a good match. Thank you and good luck.” End of the game. No runs, no hits, no errors
We are all human beings who are concerned with other’s feelings. First and foremost, most of us are mature adults in the lifestyle and it is all about attraction and chemistry for many of us. Since we are all big boys and girls, I believe that the best approach is to be simple and to the point. Our standard “No Thank You” letter goes something like this:
“Thank you very much for the nice compliment. Although we are always interested in meeting new people and making new friends, we do not believe that we would make a very good match.”
In the end, people usually have more respect for taking the time to be honest, rather than ignoring or deleting without any response. Be thoughtful, be sensitive but be direct.