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How do we tell someone that we are not attracted to them?

How does one handle a situation where a couple or single is showing interest in playing with you, but for whatever reasons, there is no attraction or chemistry. You like them socially, but not as prospective play partners. 

This situation probably happens a lot, and we are never quite prepared for it. 

I will state the obvious before I even get started … you know what the answer is. Not everyone is attracted to everyone else. Getting two people together can be tuff enough but add more, and wow, things can get sticky. Here are a few e-mails I received that will give you some insight into different situations and ways to handle them. There are no easy answers but follow your instincts, use common sense and be sensitive.

Here are some E-mails I have received:

Lady Suzanne,

“If someone contacts you and you aren't interested is it best to "not reply at all" or simply reply "thanks, sorry, but no thanks". I feel rude not replying at all but at the same time I feel bad saying "thanks but no thanks". I don't want to hurt people's feelings.”

I strongly feel that if someone took the time to reach out to you, and by doing so is extending to you a gracious compliment, they deserve at least the respect of an answer.

We are all big boys and girls here and the best thing to do is to be direct without having to go into details. There will always be the inevitable battle with rejections- both giving and receiving them. If someone e-mails you and they just aren’t your type, there is a simple way to let them know that you aren’t interested. Be sweet, be short and be to the point.

I suggest using something as simple as, "Thank you very much for your nice email, but at this time we do not think that we would make a very good match."

Or .. “Thanks for your interest in our profile! Although we do not feel that we are a sexual match, we wish you the best of luck in finding what you seek. Happy swinging!”

Or .. If you’re open to pursuing friendships with others with whom you don’t necessarily seek a physical attraction, here’s a similar response you can send:

“Thanks for your interest in us! Although we don’t feel that we are a match, we'd still love to chat with you, since making friends is one of our main goals here. If a friendship with benefits is what you're exclusively seeking, we certainly won't take it personally if you don't wish to pursue us any longer. Either way, we hope all of your dreams and fantasies come true!”

This not only gives them the chance to take the rejection with their dignity intact, but it also proves you to be a classy person by responding to their e-mail despite your disinterest, and doing so in a classy manner. You do not need to provide reasons for your disinterest. That is your business, not theirs.  

If they respond with a why?  Simply say, "Please respect our decision"

THAT IS IT... no explanations are required! If they write continue asking for the reason, you can either choose to ignore it, block them or politely inform them that the reasons do not matter, only that you aren’t a match as you said in your initial correspondence. Do not drag things out.

Now that we have seen their picture:

Lady Suzanne,

“We are new to this lifestyle. We have never attended a party but enjoy being on AFF to meet couples. We have chatted and even met with a few couples, and have had some great times. The other side is we have also chatted with a few couples who were not comfortable sending face pictures right away. That was fine with us so we chatted until they were ready to send face pictures. My husband and I enjoyed the chatting we did with them, but after seeing their pictures realized that there was no physical attraction. We don't want to be shallow, and say it is all about looks, but we both feel that we need to be physically, and personality compatible with other couples in order for things to progress. How do we respectfully deal with this? Also how do we respond to e-mails from couples that are interested in us, but we do not feel the same? I know that I/we sound picky, but we are sharing a very private part of our sexual lives with others and need to feel comfortable. I/we don't want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”

The way that I have suggested handling a situation where people are hesitant to send pictures is to just tell them that this is all about attraction and chemistry... and if there is no attraction... the chemistry does not matter at all. If you continue to have conversations and communications with couples whose pictures you do not see... you are going to fall into the same position time after time. 

The people you have already started these conversations with and you do enjoy but now find they are not physically attractive then you need to say so. We are all big boys & girls here... although no one wants to hurt anyone else’s feelings... we do not mercy fuck. You should never have to apologize for being picky. The only one you are accountable to is your partner.

Just be frank and to the point... tell them in an email that you enjoyed the communications that you have had, but as far as anything physical is concerned... you do not think that you guys make a very good match. It may seem weird at first.. but when you realize they are not going to fold up in each others arms and cry for the next 3 weeks because you are not attracted to them.... it will be ok. Life goes on. 

Friends but not playmates:

Lady Suzanne,

“We are a couple that enjoys both the social aspect and the sexual side of the lifestyle. However, we are much choosier about who we sleep with then who we befriend. We have been finding ourselves in situations where we are socializing, having fun and flirting with people we wouldn't necessarily consider bedmates. We are still having a lot of fun, we enjoy their company and would consider becoming close friends with them. The couples we want to be friends with, but not sleep with then become offended when we tell them that they are not our type of sexual partners, but we would love to maintain a friendship with them. Sounds cheesy to the recipient, but true none the less. 

I can understand that from their point of view, if they're not looking for friends, they may feel that they have just wasted an evening with a couple that didn't even want to sleep with them. Should we only talk to the people we want to play with or risk leading people on and hang out with the ones that we connect better with on a social level.

How do you not lead people on while still having fun? We don't want to give up bar meets and other social outlets with the social groups because we enjoy them immensely, but if it means holding back and not having fun the way WE have fun (flirting, dirty dancing), I guess we'd rather stay home!”

By all means...continue to be yourselves.

Unfortunately, not everyone handles rejection gracefully and this can put you in an uncomfortable position from time to time.

There is no reason to avoid people you have no desire to play with ...unless they are being rude or unkind to you after figuring out that you are not interested in "joining" them.

Sometimes people can't take the advance "hints" and you have to speak frankly to them. It is never pleasant to have to do this...but at least they will understand that you were being honest. Once they get over the rejection...many times they appreciate your openness, still have a blast hanging out with you....and just can't resist being your friends.

Second scenario:

Lady Suzanne,

“My husband and I have been in this lifestyle for almost 5 years. We are very selective in whom we play with, but lately my husband has asking me to lower my standards in regards to other couples. He wants to start hanging out with certain couples and party more, even though I am not interested in them physically. Don't get me wrong, they are nice people and we get along well, but I am just not physically attracted to either one or both of the couple and I know for a fact they are VERY interested in us physically. 

My question is this... how do you let someone know without offending them, that you are only interested in being friends and nothing more? I am just at odds at this question, because it almost makes me sound snooty just asking and I am not that way. I just believe that in this lifestyle it is a chemistry thing and if it isn't there .. it isn't there! 

Besides which, why should I lower my standards... I have an absolutely gorgeous husband..why should I settle for someone less than his standard?? Am I wrong for thinking that way??? Would I be considered a B#$% because I refuse to play with a couple where I don't find the man attractive?? “

You are 100% right in how you feel. There is nothing worse than the thought of being with someone sexually that you are not attracted to. Who wants to go slummin’?  Being selective is not a sin... and everyone has their own opinion as to what is attractive, It is a relative term at best. You are entitled to yours.

As far as how your husband is feeling... you need to make sure that he is fully understanding about your position and you need to ask him to respect your wishes and NOT to put any pressure on you at all. You need to tell your hubby that you feel like you are being pressured into lowering you standards. Make sure he understands fully... that way you can eliminate the situation from coming up in a more inappropriate time. Discuss it BEFORE it comes up, or it will, and you will feel more pressure at the time

The old saying goes... "Women need a reason and men just need a place."

If anyone considers you a B#$% because you won't play with someone you are not attracted to.... then who cares... those kinds of judgments and the people who make them should not concern you.

We have so many great friends in the Lifestyle that we have never played with... and never will... if someone takes it personally... then they don't get it.

Keep your head high and do not settle... you will be mad at yourself if you do !!!

Final thought: How to tell the couples you are not interested in playing. The best way is to be direct. Tell them that you value your friendship and you want to remain friends and think that once you cross the line and play... you are afraid it would change things... and you just don't want to go there. Tell them you do not want to lead them on... and that is why you are being up front. If all they wanted is sex... and they were not interested in friendships, then they should let you know too. 

We are attracted to her not him:

Lady Suzanne, 

“My husband and I both love playing and being a part of the lifestyle, but to be honest, the women that we're interested usually do not have male halves that my wife is interested in, or she has no interest in having sex with. She likes to be with women, and watch him with other women, but she generally does not like to be with other men. This has presented a problem once before, and we'd like to avoid such future problems. 

How do we tell people we're interested in meeting that he can full swap, but she probably won't?”

I can definitely understand your wife's dilemma since I've been there a few times myself.  You may encounter questions from the couple if you tell them you can full swap, but she won't..... Why is this? Jealousy? Greed? Insecurity? These are the questions this scenario will produce. They won't automatically assume that your wife just isn't digging the other man. Most couples will not go for this. Most adhere to the 'fair play all around' rule. If you get to do it to my wife, I get to do it to yours, and vice versa. Fair's fair. 

That being said, I recommend that you don't inform them that you're up for swapping, but your wife isn't. Instead of telling them that, keep it at girl-girl play, and let them know that's as far as it goes. Although I know that this is difficult for some, honesty is still the best policy. Or, just tell a little white lie, and inform them that your wife is a lot more into women, and rarely likes to play with other men (that one has worked for some of out friends, and tends to spare feelings)

Not digging their friends:

Lady Suzanne,

“We have met a couple that we love to play with, but we are not attracted to their other favorite play couple. They now would like to try an orgy type party, with that couple included, and we are panicking.

What could we say that would not hurt their feelings or make them want to stop playing with us?”

This is always the best policy; tell them the truth. This probably isn't the answer you were hoping to hear, but the lifestyle is all about honesty and communication. It is certainly not based on feeling uncomfortable or panicky. So, just let them know, casually, that you don't feel an attraction to this other couple. Hell, if you have to, stroke your friends' egos a bit by saying something like, "We're so damn spoiled with you two that we just don't find anyone else appealing right now". Granted, you may want to find your own method of relaying the aforementioned to them, but I'm sure you grasp my point. You can even tell them that the orgy scene if presently out of your comfort range. That way, you aren't discernibly rejecting their friends. 

By no means should you wallow in silence while feeling trapped. Speak your mind in a diplomatic manner. If it still happens to hurt their feelings, it's certainly not your fault. Rest assured, you will be making the prudent decision in being honest, rather than putting your comfort at risk.

Played once not interested in a second helping:

Lady Suzanne,

“We recently had an experience with a couple we played with, and for now, we prefer not to play with again sexually. They did nothing "wrong" we simply discovered after playing that we did not feel as "connected" with them as we initially thought we did.

What makes this a little more difficult is that through other friends, we will be seeing them off and on. They attend AFF functions and parties and so do we. We do enjoy them in a social situation.

Although it's difficult, we've learned how to tell people "no thanks" when we are contacted through email, or even after meeting in person ... but AFTER playing with them once?? ... It seems impossible to say "no more of that", without hurting their feelings.

Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.”

This is tuff. Once you cross the line of sexual play relationships change even in the lifestyle. However and I say it yet again, we are all big boys and girls here and although no one is interested in hurting anyone else’s feelings.. you can not let that fear guide your actions or you will end up missing parties.

This really may not be an issue. People are more perceptive than you can imagine. If we are not interested in "going there" again with a couple they can usually tell. If we were interested we would be paying much more attention to them, getting in touch with them again and asking for another play date. 

Now if they were to approach you directly and ask you if something was wrong, or if they are trying to contact you and you are avoiding them, then you must say something.

Just like you say that you learned how to tell people "no thanks" and we are sure it was awkward at first ... the same goes here. We are all looking for different things; play in different ways and like more variety. Again be honest but kind.

Once you learn that we are all adults and we understand that we cannot be everything to everyone, it will be just as easy to say to another couple … "We enjoyed ourselves and had lots of fun with you guys.. but we prefer for our relationship to be a friendship and not a physical relationship.

If you are really freaked... send them an email to that effect.

Do not want to share pictures:

Lady Suzanne,

“We have a website containing personal photographs which are password protected, and put a note in our profile to contact us for the password. A couple recently contacted us for the password. Unfortunately, the male is bi-sexual and since there is no chance that we would meet them we do not wish to give them the password. We want to keep our site restricted to those we want to actually meet. How can we tell them this nicely, without hurting their feelings?”

I always try to remind people that we are all big boys and girls here. Where did you hear that before? While it is very noble to wish to consider the feelings of people who you may never see again, it is best to just be upfront and honest in a direct manner and you are not required to go into details.

In this case I would suggest a reply as such: "Thank you so much for your interest but after reading a bit about you (or viewing your profile on a site such as this) we appreciate your interest but we do not think that we would make a good match. Thank you and good luck.”  End of the game. No runs, no hits, no errors

Happy Swinging:

We are all human beings who are concerned with other’s feelings. First and foremost, most of us are mature adults in the lifestyle and it is all about attraction and chemistry for many of us. Since we are all big boys and girls, I believe that the best approach is to be simple and to the point. Our standard “No Thank You” letter goes something like this:

“Thank you very much for the nice compliment. Although we are always interested in meeting new people and making new friends, we do not believe that we would make a very good match.”

In the end, people usually have more respect for taking the time to be honest, rather than ignoring or deleting without any response. Be thoughtful, be sensitive but be direct.  

Happy Swinging.




Do penile enhancement products work?

None of them have been proven in scientifically controlled double blinded trials. The general feeling amongst specialists is that penile size is genetically determined and fixed at puberty. The ones that do “work”, don’t really increase the size of the penis. What they do is engorge your own penis so their might be a slight increase in girth but this is still your own penis getting to its maximum potential.

Penile pumps tend to engorge the penis temporarily and have no permanent result and if used to excess or incorrectly may damage the penis. I have met some men who say that their pumped up penis is permanently larger, but I have found no proof of this.

According to a doctor in the field … there is no known scientific evidence to prove that any of the pills work. There are only anecdotal stories. “The big one that got away.” So save your money, and more importantly, focus on things that you can control.

If you still feel like you want that extra ‘oomph’, there is one proven way to non-surgically increase the size of the penis - lose weight. If you feel the base of the penis you will note that there is a fat pad which can be up to 2 inches in depth, losing this will increase the size of your penis by that amount. Giving up smoking can also increase engorgement (as smoke is a vasoconstrictor) and therefore allows your penis to get to its maximum potential. Cock rings offer a safe way to increase your girth temporarily. Finally, shaving your pubic hair can give the appearance of a larger penis.

Does Size really matter?

There is so much talk about size, but does size really matter? Even in the Vanilla world there is talk about size. Size of breasts, size of butts and size of the penises. This is nothing new. Thousands of years ago painters and sculptors took artistic license with their subjects. Women were often shown with larger breasts and hips – symbolizing fertility. Males were shown with broader shoulders, larger muscles and, of course, larger penises depicted virility. 

So, what is the truth? Does size matter? The truth is …are you ready for this?... there is no universal truth. Don’t you hate it when writers do shit like that? The truth is, each lady has her preference and often it is more an issue with men, than with women. You guys like to see us playing with a big dick.  Unless you are teeny wheeny, most females do not care about the size and much as they do care about you knowing how to work it.

You can’t do much about the size of your penis, but you CAN do something about your attitude, lovemaking skills and confidence, which are more important than size to ALL of the ladies I know. You have heard this before, but for some reason refuse to believe it. Whether you have a small, medium, or large unit, do not get involved with people that talk about others and are all about size. Focusing on that will make it difficult to keep your confidence – and your dick – up. Is it fun to find the “big” boy to play with? Sometimes it is. The Lifestyle is all about variety. But I can say that it is never a determining factor for me, and some of the “big” boys will not go where the average guys can go. 

Your fears are normal but are just based on myths. I can say from talking with many ladies in the Lifestyle and our club, and from personal experience, those myths are not valid. You have the proof right next to you! If you are able to satisfy your partner time after time, there is no reason to be concerned.

The very best thing to do is just get those thoughts right out of your head. If you are too concerned with your size you are going to build up so much anxiety that when the time comes... you will have difficulty rising to the occasion. We have seen that happen time after time. 

Oh YES! There are a few women for whom size matters more than anything else, but they are the exception, not the rule. For these ladies it is a fetish – just like the urge to spank someone. If you are average, you probably won’t play with them, just like you might not want to be spanked (or maybe you do!). There are also women who prefer heavy men, or thin men, or blonde men, you will not be attractive to, or attracted by, everyone, so keep it in perspective. We have never encountered anyone with too small penis in all of the years we have been in the lifestyle. We have played with guys who are - I dare say - too big. Often very big men don’t get as hard (which is more exciting to me than size) and it’s probably a good thing. If that much blood moved into the penis, they might lose consciousness! There is a comfort issue as well. As stated before, if you are too big, there are some rides I won’t let you in! There is so much more to the sexual experience than just size.

Here are some comments from lifestyle ladies about what makes you sexy, not your penis.

 **  Condidence.. definitely. Even though looks and size may play a role, your confidence is seen before your dick is. That means confidence without arrogance. Sally

** Chivalry ..yes very important.  Chivalry is honorable behavior especially towards women. Betty

**  Playful. I like men who make me laugh and can be playful. A great smile and sense of humor go a long way. Lilly

** Affectionate men win me over. Not so touchy feely that I feel dirty but soft and almost ladylike.  Janet

** A sharp-dressed man.  I spend a lot of time deciding on what to wear so I look my best for a swinging function, I do not want to be hit on by someone who made his decision on his way out the door. I make sure I look good and my man looks good. Come on guys dress for success.  Mary

So guys - relax, be a gentleman. Make the lady feel good and you will be popular. That said - make peace with your penis. After all, your penis is your friend, your lifelong companion, and shares in many of the decisions you make. Be happy with him. Be strong. Be confident. Even though you may be so very proud of your friend, it is also my opinion and the opinion of many of my lady friends; dick shots as the main profile picture, do not win hearts. I believe the term is “cock bombing. When I see profiles when there are only dick shots, my impression is “he is a dick.”  A friend of mine once told me “I know he has a dick, but what about the rest of him?” Be sure you have face shots and body shots, then the dick shots are a turn on not a turn off.

Let’s hear from you ladies out there and remember, I love penises of all shape and sizes. If you see me at a convention, show me yours!

Happy swinging!

Lady Suzanne

Alternative Lifestyles: Soap Box

It seems that those who sit in judgment of people who are “not like them” are missing so much of what life has to give.  Michael and I would like this year to be a year when everyone celebrates those differences.  Does it matter if swingers like threesomes, foursomes, groups or orgies? Do you like to see (or be part of) bi ladies playing together? Should you care if people like to be tied, gagged or spanked? Why should it matter if someone is straight, bi, gay, a cross-dresser, dominatrix or trans gendered? As active swingers we have blurred the lines of sensuality, and certainly have opposed the accepted practices of our current culture. We represent a range on the spectrum of human sexuality. What we all share is that we are sexual and expressive, and want to be accepted as we are.

Alternative Lifestyles: BDSM community

Have you ever had the pleasure of meeting people who express their sexuality in the realms of bondage play? Wow! I did not know what I did not know. There is a science to this type of play and a freedom of trust and expression that someone outside the game cannot understand. We have been to several conventions where we were able to view some bondage rituals. Hot oils, red fannies and strange contraptions were the teachers. Anyone who participated left with smiles and a new sense of who they were. What can be more freeing than that?  At a convention one year a friend of ours wanted to go to the bondage room and asked that we go to support her. She made the appointment and we sat in the audience. She was being tied up, and then the master used different items to get a reaction and provide sexual feelings. There was also a lady on the cross next to our friend and half way through the demonstration she squirted all over the floor. It was wild!

This year for our Halloween party we had a bondage room and were pleasantly surprised at the interest. There was hot waxing, the magic wand, and the cross.  We did learn one rule; do not ever ask your Dom if that is all she has!  Next time you go on a Couples Cruise or to a Naughty convention (Naughty in N'awlins or Naughty in L.A.), check out the bondage room. You can sexplore in a safe, sane environment.

Alternative Lifestyles: The Gay community

The gay community: The members from the gay community that we have had the pleasure of spending time with have given us so much enjoyment. They are open and honest with who they are, enjoy being accepted for who they are and know what friendships and relationships are all about. What a wonderful thing to see ‘couples’ together for such long periods. The strong family ties and the devotion and dedication they have for each other and their community always touches me. The first time we were invited to share in a community BBQ was to celebrate a friend running for office. Empress for the Carousel Ball. The food, the fun and the fellowship was uplifting. Every one was accepting, sexy and just plain pleasurable. 

Over the years we have shared the heartaches with many of our friends and the struggles just to be accepted. The political climate in our country still angers me because this country was founded on “we are all created equal”, but somehow that does not seem to be true. (ok no soap box)  We have friends who have been in the same relationship for over 20 years. They are a great couple and do enjoy some swinging time. However in the four years I have known him, he has not let me suck his dick. My husband can suck his dick but I can not. “You do not have hair on your face” is always his response. So once at the club when he was performing (as a Cycle Slut) I put on a fake mustache hoping things would go my way. He laughed so hard but still managed to get out a resounding NO. 

Alternative Lifestyles: The Drag Queen community

The enjoyment we get from spending time with Drag Queens is unparalleled. They have a light spirit and very warm hearts. They know how to have a great time and to be who they enjoy being. These ladies are such a close community and have done so much to fight AIDS and to help its victims. Their celebration of life is far beyond what many of us experience because of the close ties with the sadness of AIDS. Our first encounter with these fantastic ladies was the result of a friend’s invitation to a Christmas party. I had no idea what to expect since this was very new to me. Upon entering BJ’s Carousel, the place was alive and decorated wildly. The one thing this community enjoys is lip synching to songs. Some were dressed up lovely and some just for the fun of it and our favorite were the Denver Cycle Sluts; wonderful ladies with hairy beards, hairy chests and glitter all over.  Some were singing serious songs and some were singing the wrong words to songs, and others just cutting up. We laughed so hard. We found that we enjoy the glitz and glamour so much that we try to never miss a social event. 

It did not take them long to adopt us, not being queen and all, and we sure loved it. After a short time I was on stage lip synching like I was a queen. The first time they got me on stage I could not think of a song that would be fun and entertaining. I performed “Tits and Ass” from the musical Chorus Line. The place went nuts since I was the only girl there with real tits and ass. Have you ever seen the movie “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar?” The Carousel Ball is just like the movie. Drag Queens from all area hoping to be crowed Emperor and Empress. Drag Queens from all over the country to come for support and the festivities. There is so much glamour, we were over whelmed. Each year this community raises 100 of thousands of dollars for AIDS research and other organizations in need.

Alternative Lifestyles: Swinging Lifestyle

As we enter a new year and look forward to the friends we will meet and the fantasies we will fulfill, I would like to remind everyone what makes the Swinging Lifestyle so special.  Michael and I have had the pleasure of meeting many wonderful people in this lifestyle and expanding our horizons.  We have been very lucky to meet many friends who express their sexual freedom in very different ways.  Once we opened our minds and our hearts to the differences, we experienced an explosion of fantastic fun and friends. Sadly, we have also met many who still feel that they have the right to tell others how they should feel or not feel, and how they should express themselves in sexual play.  The truth about being a sexual being is “there are no rules”,  as long as we do not harm others physically or psychologically. We are all different; having had different life experiences, and express ourselves in very different ways. 

The definition of the Lifestyle is about discovering your sexuality, whatever that means to you.  Following are a few of the magnificent diverse communities we have had the pleasure of meeting over the years and hope you find a way to have similar experiences. 

The swinging community:

So what about those swingers? What is their gig? What we have experienced from being swingers is the freedom to express ourselves sexually; in our dress, in our play and in our fantasies. Swingers are friendly, happy, well adjusted and honest. I was asked once “Why do you do that, are you two not happy?” On the contrary, swingers can swing because they are happy. They have a strong relationship with their primary partner and are only looking to enhance their relationship, never replace it.  I could share many of our experiences, like giving blow jobs for beads (why be traditional and just flash?), having my pussy shaved in public and now it is on a documentary, sharing a king bed with 8 people, and finding use for toys and food that were new to us. (I still say food is not a toy). 

It is my opinion that there are many, many couples who are swingers, but if you asked them, they would say NO!  Voyeurs for example; we know millions watch porn. This is an industry making a pot load of money.  It can not be just from single men. People enjoy watching people have sex. At a swinger’s club, in the after hours rooms’; watching is awesome because now it is 3-D. You can see, hear, smell, and if lucky be a part of all the action. If you like to show off your style, being an exhibitionist is welcomed. Find your spot in the after-hours room; make wild sex with your partner knowing so many of us are watching. Maybe you have not reached out and touched another couple or single, but you are swinging! You do not know what you do not know. Reach out this year for some exciting sexual play, some wonderful and accepting friends and the bonus is a stronger relationship with your partner and a healthy sense of self. See you at a party!

Blow job safety tips
  1. Never brush your teeth or floss before giving a blow job. Brushing and flossing open your mouth to cuts and bleeding. If you feel you need to brush then do it at least an hour before play time, or use a mouth wash. Mouth washes are clean feeling and germ fighting.
  2. Some men use a stay hard cream that allows them to stay harder longer by desensitizing the penis. This is ok for hand jobs and intercourse but many of those creams have Novocain in them and the woman’s mouth can go numb.  Let her know if and when you use such a cream. 
  3. Also with the creams do not use the sweet tasting ones because they may contain sugars which can lead to yeast infections. This also goes for mints.
  4. Things like Chloraseptic sore throat spray, sprayed in the back of your throat can also ease the gag reflex. It numbs the area just enough.


To Blow or not to Blow

I have been reading the blogs lately on some of the swinger sites and there has been some chatter on blow jobs. Is there such a thing as a bad bow job? Why do men like blow jobs so much?  Are there any secrets on giving a blow job?   In a nut shell (no pun), there is no such thing as a bad blow job, men live for blow jobs and if they could give them to themselves they would never leave home. This article will give some secrets about blow jobs. One of the most wonderful things about the Lifestyle is how much we can learn about ourselves. When my husband and I started dating we had a long talk about blow jobs. The reason for the talk is I did not give them. I remember him saying “I do not want to be shallow, but I do not want to go the rest of my life without a blow job.” That is where things changed. I took the time, followed his direction and learned to give blow jobs. They are quite fun.

Most men are intimately familiar with their genitalia, even if they do not know how it functions. Although some won’t admit it, many men begin masturbating in their early teens. Despite threats from their mothers that they would go blind, men have become expert masturbators. Conversely, women in this society experience an anti-sexual upbringing and are unfamiliar with their own genitalia. They are then even less familiar with the male genitalia. Thus the problem begins. To make matters worse, women have relatively fewer sex partners, which means fewer experiences. Women expect the man to “know” how to please her and he will feel inadequate if he is not successful. Good communication is the key to outstanding sexual experiences. Both partners are responsible for insuring sexual satisfaction. That is the subject of another article.

Ladies, in this article I will give some tips on giving great blow jobs. 

Women are rarely concerned about penis size, yet even before adulthood, men equate manliness with the size of their penis. The penis is composed of spongy erectile tissue and its main function is to deposit sperm. The foreskin in the uncircumcised male covers the head of the penis. The scrotum hangs under the penis and has many blood vessels to stabilize the proper temperature and ensure healthy sperm.  In order to give great blow jobs we don’t need to go into the complete medical layout of the male body, just become familiar with these two parts. 

Many men like it if you get between their legs to play. This allows them to watch, touch and maneuver better. If you place yourself between the legs you can balance and get full access to the penis and the balls. Men enjoy having their balls touched and licked as well as their penis. Start by taking the penis in your hand. As you move it up and down you will feel it grow.  You might enjoy the sensation of it growing in your mouth - place the penis in your mouth and just gently move it up and down in your mouth.  Friction is what makes the penis get enlarged so remember to keep moving. If he is circumcised, pull back on the skin at the base of the shaft to expose the sensitive area under the foreskin. Note, some uncircumcised men are extremely sensitive, proceed with caution.

Some women have a strong gag reflex. This can make things difficult, but can be overcome. By grasping the penis shaft at the base with your hand, the length of the penis that you can insert into the mouth is much smaller, but still feels to your partner as if all of it is in your mouth. Also, if you place the penis towards to roof of your mouth he will sense that he is filling you and you do not touch the gag area in the back of your throat.  Keep your mouth moist. Many women spend too much time trying to swallow saliva, let it run out, it is a good lubricant.

Bad lubricant story.

During one of our ‘play sessions’ a lady was skillfully and passionately performing fellatio when her mouth began to go numb. Soon she had no feeling in it at all. It was like watching a sitcom when she started slurring her words. After a few minutes the lady was barely able to talk, let alone continue the performance. Turns out the gentleman had used one of those creams on his penis to make him last longer for the orgy. The thing in stay hard creams that works is Novocain. So you can see it also worked on his partner’s mouth. Play time is over 

Vary your technique.

As you have his penis in your hand, place it in your mouth and move both your hands and your mouth up and down. Let the head of the penis go into your throat as far as you can then back out. Take just the head and suck. Not hard enough to start a Harley but enough to hold tight. If he is uncircumcised pull the fore skin back and gently suck. Another way is to take the head and hold it in your mouth, do not move your hands or head but move your tongue all around it. The area around the ridge and under the ridge is very receptive to the warm tongue.  Also take his penis in your hand and squeeze tight and enter the hole on the tip with your tongue. This is extremely receptive area; it is like the tip of your clit.

Play with his penis. Better yet, make love to it.  Licking it like an ice cream cone is innocent and erotic. Just move your tongue up and down the shaft and run your tongue over the top and sides. Repeat it in several areas. Lick around the top just under the head. That is a very responsive area so keep your mouth moist.  The head or ‘glans’ is considered the most sensitive area for uncircumcised men while the frenulum (the area just below the head on the bottom of the penis) is especially sensitive in circumcised men. This is a good spot to focus some attention. Run your tongue on it.  Remember to pull back the foreskin in order to expose this area if he is uncircumcised. Not all blow jobs require you take in the whole penis and fill your mouth.

Stroking in time with some slow love song is an excellent way to pace the activity. Take his penis between your hands and roll it. Very gently roll it back and forth like rolling bread. Remember no twisting and turning … very gently roll and move your hands up and down the shaft. If you want to be a virgin again tighten the grip. If you want to tease make the grip very loose so he feels a feather going over him. When you stroke go up and down the full length of the penis even over the top. If things start to get dry, place it in your mouth for the warm sensation and the moisture or if you have a good non sticky, non flavor lubricant. 

Another area to tease is the crease where the top of the leg meets the torso. Lick that area while holding his penis and/or his balls.  Move the balls around in your hand like dice.  Place his balls in your mouth and make a low humming sound. Get the penis very moist, then suck air in with your mouth over it, the cool air on his penis is very exciting. Place an ice cube (small) in your mouth then place him in your mouth. You can expect a jump but he will be smiling. Some ladies place mints in their mouths then let it melt while going up and down. Be careful not to use strong mints as they can cause discomfort. Also watch the sugar. If you wind up having intercourse the sugar is a great way to get a yeast infection.

Minty Freshness

I remember a time when we were in a play session with this couple and while I was giving her man a blow job she also joined in and had a mint in her mouth. It added to the refreshing smell and he really enjoyed it. I thought she was just refreshing her breath when all along she had a hidden weapon.

What about swallowing?

For some women this is a reason not to give blow jobs because they don’t like the taste of cum. The old saying “If God was a woman cum would taste like chocolate.”  Yet men find it very sensual to watch someone swallow. There are a few tricks to give the illusion of swallowing, you can be sure the porn stars do not always or continually swallow.  To avoid the taste, place the penis as far back in your throat as you can.  If the cum does not touch the taste buds, then there is no taste. (the taste buds on the side of the tongue are the bitter buds).I have a very sensitive gag reflex and when my husband is cumming in my mouth I go back as far as I can past the tongue and a little towards to roof of the mouth. Then while he is climaxing, swallow. Then you never have a bunch at one time and it gives him an extra squeeze.

 If you do not get sufficient warning to prepare then let the cum gather in one area and swallow all at one time (like taking a shot). If the idea of swallowing is still tuff on you then let it drain back out. If you watch porn movies you will notice that many of the ladies force the cum back out. You may get the taste on your tongue for a bit. This also gives lubrication as you continue to jack him off and it is at the front of the mouth where the sweet taste buds are. 

My first time getting cum all over me was an erotic eye opener for me. We were with another couple and while I was on top of my husband the other man was on his knees and I was giving him a blow job. When he was ready to cum I moved my head back and he came all over my breasts. He was excited about that and I found a new favorite thing.  The heat from the cum, the excitement and the silky feeling were fantastic.  Men love to watch themselves cum on ladies. So if you can not get past the swallowing let them give you a pearl necklace. (I later learned that was what it is called.) I have since had 5 men cum on me at the same time. Ladies it is so awesome and great for the skin. 

Supposedly the bird of  love is the Dove. Any man will tell you the bird of love is the Swallow!

My girl friend has a t-shirt that says “do not grab my head; I know what I am doing.”  After a little practice, you will too 




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